FOCUS ON THE LIGHT
When I was raped, my life suddenly plunged into darkness. No one is ever prepared to be raped. I certainly wasn’t. And I had no idea the impact it would have on my life.
I vividly remember a few days after I was raped. I was starting to realize the reality of what happened to me. I had spent a week in complete denial, then a few days in absolute shock. Those days I hadn’t been super emotional. I went to school, cooked dinner, watched Netflix, went to my boyfriend’s football game, called my parents to complain about homework… more or less trying to pretend everything was fine. It was too hard to think about the reality of what had happened, so I didn’t. But one particular night, a little over a week after it happened… the reality hit. And it hit me like a broken girl being hit by a freight train. I had been raped. I was now and forever a “rape victim.” That was a very, very hard pill to swallow. It was a terrifying reality for me to face. Because I genuinely never thought it would happen to me.
But there I was. It had actually happened. I was so overwhelmed I wanted to crawl in a hole and cry (which I actually have done more times than I’d like to admit.)
On this particular night, I was terrified. All I could do was cry. I was sitting with my boyfriend Tanner (who is now my husband) and through my tears I told him that I felt like I was surrounded by darkness. That was the only way I could describe it. I felt like I wasn’t living my life anymore. My head spun with thoughts of my rapist, of doctors, of meetings with detectives and the prosecutor and therapists. Fear shot through my body like knives at the idea of my friends and peers hearing about what had happened. I felt broken, exposed, violated and dirty. This left me feeling a crushing, horrifying sense of darkness. A feeling I had never had before. It scared me.
As I explained this overwhelming “darkness” to Tanner, he lovingly said something I will never forget. He said, “I know there is a lot of darkness right now, Cassidy. And things might feel pretty dark for a while. But regardless of how dark it gets… there is always light somewhere. It doesn’t mean there isn’t darkness. But there always is light. And you will get through this if you focus on the light.”
Focus on the light.
I will never forget that. The next weeks and months and year (and still today) there has been a lot of darkness. There are times where I am still overwhelmed by everything. There are lots of times where I literally sit on the floor and cry. One time I even sat and cried on a bench at Disneyland. DISNEYLAND people. Things have been rough. I am currently getting ready for the criminal trial, and it has brought a whole new layer of darkness. I have struggled immensely to balance school, friends, marriage, and dealing with all the emotional wounds of my assault. I haven’t handled things even close to perfectly. BUT throughout it all, I have always strived to focus on whatever light I could find in my life.
At times the light has been people. Tanner, my family, my therapist, other amazingly strong victims who have empowered me. Sometimes it’s been my relationship with God. Sometimes it’s been Disneyland. And other times it has been just sitting on the couch with my husband watching The Office. Thank you Michael Scott for helping me through my trauma.
Most of the time, however, the light that has kept me going was the hope that someday I would be able to use everything I was going through to help someone else. The light I would cling to was that there was some purpose for what I was going through. That it wouldn’t just be traumatic and depressing and something I endured for no reason. I will never ever be okay with the fact that a horrible man manipulated and raped me. But being able to cleave on to a hope that my struggles would allow me an opportunity to lift up others is the main thing that has kept me going.
And it is what still keeps me going.
By focusing on the light I don’t mean to ignore or suppress negative feelings. I think it is good to allow yourself to feel. Focusing on the light doesn’t mean there aren’t hard days, weeks, years. It doesn’t mean that there will be no sadness or depression or anger or heartbreak. Those feelings are normal and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. What I mean when I say focus on the light is that you don’t forget amidst the hard days or weeks or years, that there is always something good to hold on to. It won’t take the pain away. It won’t make depression or PTSD or a loss suddenly disappear. But understanding that there is something good that can come from the bad brings a sense of light. And for me focusing on that has brought a purpose to my struggling.
I have learned so much since the time I got raped. How to help rape victims, what to say, what NOT to say, how to address shame, the reality of the trauma… the list goes on. I know more than I ever wanted to know. But I want to use that knowledge, so I am going to be writing and sharing my experiences and more aspects of my story with the hope that what I have been through can help educate and inspire others. And most importantly- let people know that they are not struggling alone. We all can find light in our own lives, no matter what we are going through. And we can all be a light for those struggling, especially victims of sexual assault.
I am here to find light and share light—are you?