GO THROUGH IT WITH THEM
It’s hard when someone you love is going through something horrible. Whether it is the death of a loved one, an illness, or in my case, a sexual assault. You have the desire to help them, but it is very challenging to know how to do that. What do you say? What do you not say? Do you talk about it or act like things are totally fine? There are a million potential questions to navigate when it comes to helping someone you love. And while each person’s situation is different, there is one thing that I can promise will help. And that is carrying their burden with them.
Carrying their burden with them. That sure sounds nice. But what does this vague concept actually look like? Let me share a short personal experience. After I was raped, I was understandably hurt. Life was hard and my emotions were heavy. Good days were outnumbered by days filled with depression, anger, and fear. The feeling of being alone in my pain was prevalent, despite being surrounded by a loving husband and family who deeply cared. There was one night, early on, that stands out to me. I was scared and sad and couldn’t do anything but cry. Tanner (my husband) who loves me so much, typically is a “fixer.” He wants to problem solve the situation and take practical steps to improve it, which is a great skill. The problem is, with issues such as rape or death or divorce or illness, they can’t really be “fixed.” No matter how much you try, no matter how many times you tell them it will “be okay” no matter what you do, you can’t make it go away. On this particular night, as I sat on the couch crying, Tanner just sat there with me. And while he typically is not one to cry, this time he did. He sat there and he cried with me. He didn’t say anything. He just hugged me and we both cried. For the first time since getting raped, I felt like I wasn’t alone. I felt like I was not alone in the pain I was going through. The heavy burden I constantly felt on my shoulders was not quite as heavy. It’s hard to express how comforting it was to feel like I was not someone to be fixed or a problem to be solved. It brought more comfort than any words of encouragement, flowers, attempts to make me laugh ever had. (But those are all great things so Tanner if you are reading this, don’t stop getting me flowers!!!) Having him there with me emotionally and sitting in my pain with me, was the greatest comfort I could imagine.
Cards and food and prayers and words of encouragement are all nice things. They really are. But no matter how many times you tell someone that it’s going to all be okay in the end, or tell them it could have been worse, or that God will help them… it is not the help they need. I mean , have you ever had someone say to you “don’t be upset”? Does that ever actually stop you from getting upset?? No. It normally makes you MORE upset! At least that’s how it is for me. Anytime my husband tells me to not be dramatic, my drama level flies through the roof. In fact, when we tell someone how to feel or how to think, they often feel more isolated and alone. The way they think about their situation will not change, rather they will just feel like you don’t care to understand what they are going through. What we who are struggling really need in those moments of deep pain in our lives is people who are willing to meet us where we are and go through the pain with us.
I acknowledge that this is not a particularly fun or easy thing to do. It is very hard to allow yourself to go where your loved one is emotionally. It requires a willingness to accept what are often times depressing and sad realities. That someone has died. That someone has cancer. That someone has been raped. But when you do, and when you actually, as many Christian’s might say “mourn with those who mourn” they will actually feel comforted.
A few months ago one of my friends asked my little brother privately how he was handling my rape, and whether or not he felt he had worked through it. (For those of you who don’t know, my little brother is one of my very best friends. We lived together when I was raped and he has been a consistent source of help to me.) After being asked if he had worked through it, my friend told me that this was his response. He said: “It honestly doesn’t matter if I have worked through it or not. What matters to me is how Cassidy feels. I will never be over this until Cassidy is over it. If Cassidy is depressed or angry or sad, then I am right there with her. If Cassidy is happy and it’s not on her mind, then it’s not on mine either. What matters is how Cassidy is feeling, and I will be there with her whatever that is.” I cannot tell you how comforted I felt as my friend recounted to me what Colin had said. It was one of those moments where my burden just felt lighter. Because I had someone who wasn’t worried about fixing me or getting over it themselves, but just genuinely cared about me. He would be there not just FOR me, but be there WITH me on my bad days and my good days. Whether it is tomorrow or in ten years, I know that I have people in my life who will literally sit right there with me and carry my pain with me.
It isn’t easy. It can be heavy emotionally. It is important to recognize that while helping those we love, we also have to care for ourselves. Don’t burn yourself out or ruin your own life. Do what you can, when you can. Have a support system for yourself you can talk to and get strength from as you strive to help your loved ones who are carrying heavy burdens. Oh, and eat some ice cream too. That always does help. Most importantly, know that the comfort you can bring and the effort you make to do so, will not be in vain.
Nothing has brought more strength and peace to me than my loved ones being willing to share in my pain. I can never thank them enough for carrying this burden with me. I know the people in your life who are currently suffering will forever be grateful to you for caring enough to go to where they are in their pain, and to go through it with them.